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Each month the Northern Illinois Al-Anon Family Groups Assembly newsletter (the AIMS) includes an article called "For and About Adult Children". AIMS is sent to each Al-Anon group in Illinois and to individual subscribers. However, not everyone in each group sees the articles, and since this website is intended to serve adult children around the world (OK, maybe that's a little optimistic.....), we provide those articles here as well as in the AIMS. Please note that these articles represent the opinions and experiences of the author, and not necessarily those of Northern Illinois Al-Anon Family Groups or the Al-Anon World Service Office.
#1
ADULT CHILDREN WITHIN AL-ANON A membership survey by
Al-Anon World Service in the mid-late 1980’s showed that approximately 1/3 of
the membership were children or grandchildren of alcoholics, and that their
recovery needs were wider than those that had been customarily discussed in
Al-Anon. 20 years later, questions, misconceptions, and misunderstandings about
adult children are still common within our fellowship. This column is intended
to answer the questions, dispel the myths, and to provide in-depth insights into
the recovery issues facing adult children and those who love them. Questions are
welcome. Perhaps
the most confusing question continues to be the difference between Al-Anon Adult
Children, and those adult children who are members of other 12-step groups. Just
as many people mistakenly think that Al-Anon is only for spouses, many Al-Anon
members still assume that adult children by definition belong to other
organizations and are not genuine Al-Anon members. These
misconceptions are barriers to harmony and unity within Al-Anon.
When
I want to make a copy of a document, my brain says to me, “Go make a
_________.” A Brother? A Casio? A
Honeywell? Probably not. Most people
say that they are going to make a ‘Xerox’, regardless of what
manufacturer’s name is on the machine. The same thing applies to adult
children. Because the mental health professionals who first recognized the
predictable characteristics of growing up in an alcoholic home used the acronym
‘ACOA’ in their studies and early books, that term quickly became widely
accepted as the “Xerox” term for both adult children and for the
organization that they formed. Things got even more confusing when this early
adult children organization called its central office “The World Service
Office”, and their books and flyers “Conference Approved Literature.” In
the mid 1980’s, many people within Al-Anon became aware that adult children
problems were a core part of their own recovery, and formed ‘Adult Children’
groups within the structure of Al-Anon. Often, they incorporated the
already established ‘ACOA’ acronym into the name of their meetings. Since 20
years ago there was very little Al-Anon literature with an adult children focus,
those fledgling Al-Anon groups often made use of whatever literature was
available, most of it written by the professionals who originally founded
‘ACOA’. By
the late 1980’s Al-Anon recognized that a distinction needed to be made
between groups within the Al-Anon fellowship as compared to “ACOA”
groups, and reaffirmed that groups could not affiliate with both Al-Anon and
outside organizations. The Al-Anon World Service Office decided that
within Al-Anon, adult children and groups would be referred to as “Al-Anon
Adult Children”, and that ‘ACOA’ should be used only for other
organizations. Al-Anon
Adult Children groups register with the World Service Office as Al-Anon groups,
and agree to follow the same Traditions, Steps, and Concepts as other Al-Anon
groups. They are equally recognized at the World Service Office and members have
the same rights and obligations within the fellowship as any other member. This
is further supported by the participation of WSO speakers at Al-Anon Adult
Children events, growing awareness and validation of adult child issues at the
World Service level, and a steadily increasing supply of fine Al-Anon Conference
Approved Literature focused on the needs of adult children.
A
question seems to come up often about the need for Al-Anon Adult Children
groups. It usually sounds like,
“What does it matter who the alcoholic is (was); the Al-Anon that we have
practiced here in First,
Al-Anon is a grass-roots type organization. Literature is written based on the
sharings of members upwards to the WSO, not directed down from above.
“Leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.” The 12 Traditions
remind us that groups are autonomous, so that when adult children or any other
special focus group feel the need to concentrate on their specific issues in
addition to Al-Anon basics, it is consistent with Al-Anon principles. Second,
adult children predictably end up in relationships with active alcoholics and/or
other addicts, and desperately need the immediate support of “regular”
Al-Anon. For many adult children, the comfort within those groups and the
ability to do 12-step work while in on-going alcoholic family chaos is all that
they need from Al-Anon. At the same time, most people who attend Al-Anon Adult
Children groups also come to
know that the very attitudes, beliefs, and thought patterns that have gotten
them into their immediate problems have roots far deeper than they ever could
have imagined. When I look at the list of characteristics on Al-Anon’s “Did
You Grow up with a Problem Drinker?”, and begin to understand how those
beliefs and thought patterns affect my present situation, I move into a whole
new level of wisdom and recovery. At “regular” Al-Anon meetings, those
topics and depth often have little interest to members who are in an on-going
crisis and need to focus on the present moment. Third,
while Alateens learn the basics of Al-Anon recovery, they are only a minute
percentage of the children in the world who live with parental alcoholism, and
by the time they are old enough for Alateen, enormous damage has already been
done. Additionally, less than 5% of adult children have had any effective time
in Alateen. Al-Anon Adult Children meetings serve both those adult children who
never had Alateen, and those post-Alateen members who need continued focus in
their adult years on healing their childhood pain and traumas. Al-Anon
Adult Children benefit from specialized meetings because we have been deeply
wounded, and deep wounds require intensive special care for deep healing.
Keeping the surface of the wounds clean and bandaged prevents further infection,
but like a humongous pimple, the infected material must first be removed and the
healthy, tissue cleansed so that the wound can heal from the inside outward. The
Al-Anon World Service Conference has wisely recognized that the fellowship can
provide recovery for both the past and the present. My recovery is a continuous process of acknowledging the painful truths of childhood, identifying the false values and distorted views of life during those years, connecting those values and belief system with my present character and situations, examining and challenging the old family rules, rebuilding my own identity and belief system, and replacing those distorted views and beliefs with a new sense of reality based on Al-Anon principles and practice. For me, that happens most effectively within Al-Anon Adult Children meetings. [Return to top of list of articles]
From what I have experienced and have heard from other adult
children, the two greatest things that have been missing from our lives are a
sense of safety, and a sense
of our own significance and value. Those two basic human needs have
always seemed to be just beyond my grasp – known intellectually, but not felt
in our hearts and souls. Maybe it is because adult children have learned and
practiced three basic destructive “family rules” most of our lives. 1. “Don’t Talk.” Don’t talk to anyone outside the
family about our pain, our dirty little secrets, the abuse, or the terror of
waiting for the alcoholic to come home. Don’t talk to anyone else in the
family about what is happening, so that we can all just keep pretending that the
truth will hurt more than living with our denial. Don’t speak up with our own
opinion. Don’t stand up to protect ourselves or each other. Don’t ask for
the help of the non-alcoholic parent because they are too busy with their own
survival. Just keep our thoughts, feelings, ideas, needs, wants, hopes, and
dreams to ourselves. 2. “Don’t Feel.” Shut
down those fears; pretend that what we see isn’t really happening. Just put on
a happy face and act the way Mom and Dad want us to. Never mind the truth. If
there is sadness and pain, pretend that we are happy. If we are feeling joyful,
keep quiet so we don’t disturb the drunk on the floor. Walk on eggshells at
all times. Expect the worst, but wear a smile so no-one can see the overwhelming
fear in our eyes. After years of ‘living’ like this, we learn to smother our
fears, but sooner or later we notice that the joy has gone too. The only
permitted feeling is Shame. 3. “Don’t
Trust.” Don’t trust the alcoholic. Don’t trust the other parent; they
can’t or won’t stand up for you. Don’t trust the police when the neighbors
call; they won’t take you seriously. If I cannot trust my own parents, who can
I trust? It’s safer not to trust ANYONE, especially myself. Don’t trust my
own feelings, instincts, abilities or values. Pray if I want to, but God won’t
save someone as worthless as I am. Become cynical and isolated, for the
loneliness is better than being betrayed over and over again. Build up those
defensive walls, because the world is a very unsafe place and I am alone. There
are no safe people. What are the consequences of living with and practicing
these core beliefs throughout our childhoods, teen years, and into adulthood?
Reality and fantasy become indistinguishable. I am filled with the shame of
being a non-priority to the people who should love me the most. I begin to see
the world as though it were reflected in a funhouse mirror. Up is down. Black is
white. Fear and loneliness fill my heart. I make poor choices and I have no
boundaries. I cannot have a sense of safety, because I cannot
express my fears to anyone, and trust that anyone would actually listen, care,
or help me. I cannot have a sense of significance and value if my words,
thoughts, feelings, needs and opinions are not respected. If I was not a
priority to my own parents, how can I have value anywhere in the world? If my
non-alcoholic parent will not protect me from violence and abuse, how can I be
worth much? I am not lovable. The people that I love most will abandon me.
These core beliefs led me to answer “Yes” to many of the
questions on Al-Anon’s “Did You Grow Up with a Problem Drinker?” and on
pages 142-143 in “From Survival to Recovery”. Still, there is a
quiet voice in my heart telling me that there is an ultimately powerful
force of love and goodness in the universe, who will faithfully lead me on a
journey where I will experience a new kind of freedom, hope, love, serenity, and
joy. Regardless of the past, I can choose to begin that journey.
The three rules of “Don’t Talk”, “Don’t Feel”,
and “Don’t Trust” leave adult children with no emotional or spiritual
foundation on which to build our lives. As a result, nearly all of us have been
genuinely victimized throughout much of our lives. Unfortunately, many of us
choose to think and live with a permanent “Victim” attitude. Like the old
“Queen for a Day” radio show, whoever could tell the saddest tale of woe got
all of the pity and good prizes. My personal belief is that all Al-Anons and Alateens,
including adult children, need
a season of deep grieving and ‘dumping’ at the beginning of recovery. But
acknowledging the truth of our histories, feeling pain, and grieving is far
different from adopting ‘victimhood’ as a permanent attitude or role in
life. ‘Victimhood’ is addictive, needing more and more terrible stories
to keep the attention and pity of those around us. While that pity may feel like
love for awhile, it never fills up that gaping empty place inside. After awhile,
staying in the ‘victim’ role only pushes recovering people away. At Al-Anon Adult Children meetings I saw a different kind of
love being demonstrated and discussed. The rooms were filled with affirmation
and hugs of joy. Who were these wackos? I soon realized that what I was seeing
was the kind of love that would provide both the sense of safety and sense of
significance that had been missing throughout my life. I experienced love that
was patient and kind, unselfish, hopeful, protective, and worthy of my trust. I
experienced people who were even more damaged than I was, begin to talk, feel,
and trust. There was an all-encompassing sense of the presence of a Higher Power
who was eager to wrap His arms around us and give our hearts a home. Adult children typically have more than one of our own
“Ism’s”, and I am convinced that at the core of nearly all of the
“ism’s” are unhealed adult child issues. “Ism’s”
are by definition, (my definition, anyway….) an attempt to fill a legitimate human need with a belief system and
behavior that are destructive and only temporarily give the illusion that the
need is being met. For adult children, that often means a constant search
for safety and significance from something or someone “out there somewhere”. Whether that search is for the latest best
seller, diet, recovery guru, pill, drink, gambling action, material possession,
long-term or ‘meaningful overnight’ relationship, internet porn site, or whatever,
it always seems to be just around the corner. How many times have I thought,
“If only I had _______________, then I would be happy”?
Wouldn’t it be less painful to just stay with the “ism’s”? (The
answer, by the way, is “NO”). Eventually I had to
admit to myself that as long as my search for safety and significance continued
outside of me, and especially if I relied only on my own wits and energy to
manipulate the results, then those legitimate needs would never be met.
I learned that before others could communicate honestly with me, I must first be
able to speak my own truth, gently and lovingly. Before I could connect with and
respect the feelings of someone else, I had to know and honor my own feelings.
Before I could trust, I had to learn to be trustworthy myself. I hated this
idea. For 40 years I had lived my life inside out, tailoring myself to meet the
expectations and demands of others. Now Al-Anon was gradually revealing to me
that although my life was out of control, my Higher Power had promised me a hope
and future, and that I could trust Him with my thoughts, feelings, and dreams.
Could that be possible? That depends. Do
I want to continue to repeat the same familiar thinking and behaviors that have
not worked for me so far, or am I now willing to commit myself to something new?
The answer to that question is
something that I can control, and I do
have choices about my own life.
The old messages, “Don’t Talk”, “Don’t Feel”,
and “Don’t Trust” always seem to be waiting for a vulnerable moment to
dump a load of shame on me. At those times, I am sorely tempted to seek quick solutions to problems that are decades old, and I grasp at
attractive shortcuts rather than doing the patient work that leads to real
serenity. For adult children, those detours only lead to more pain,
loneliness, and erosion of recovery, even though they may appear to fill our
God-given human needs. The problem is that they are exactly what I do not
need, and I frequently lack the wisdom to know the difference. What
is worse, the more that I try to fill up my soul with substitutes, I find that I
cannot get enough of them. Inevitably, those shortcuts become habits, and
eventually, a destructive way of life. “Microwave relationships” are primary mood-altering
shortcuts for adult children. There is a contemporary proverb that in a room
with a hundred normal people (whoever those are) plus a male and female adult
child, the adult children would quickly find each other. Looking for love and
intimacy, or anything that feels remotely similar, silent messages waft through
the room. ”Here I am; come and get me; we will make each other happy”.
The problem is that positive, renewing, life-giving intimacy requires the
ability to communicate openly and honestly, the ability to identify and express
our feelings, and the ability to discern trustworthiness and give our own trust.
For adult children, intimacy in the past has usually been negative, demeaning,
or even traumatic. We desperately want to be known, cherished, and intimate, but
fear having our vulnerability used against us again. 50% or more of female and
perhaps 25% of male adult children report being overtly abused sexually as
children, usually by family members. Often, adult children say that they can be
either sexually or emotionally/spiritually intimate with a partner, but not
both. They keep a core part of themselves held back, safe and protected, in a
sort of semi-committed relationship. Is it any wonder that adult children are
prone to affairs, or to confuse sex with real love and intimacy? Sex becomes a
way to feel nurtured and loved for the moment, without the fear of
being “owned”, “put in a box”, or “losing ourselves.” For
others, the shame of childhood abuse leads to a complete shutdown of sexuality,
or questions of sexual identity and orientation. For many adult children, food is a means of protection.
Excess weight can be a way to create a defense against potentially sexual
relationships. For others, eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia offer the
illusion of control in a world where nothing else seems safe or predictable.
Food, especially sweets, can also seem like a source of love. Under stress, I
still seek out my two favorite sponsors, Ben and Jerry. Alcohol and illegal
drugs are also popular detours for adult children. Statistics and the
possibility of a genetic predisposition to these warn us that adult children
need to be particularly careful about using alcohol or street drugs. These and
other detours like gambling, spending, work, anger, etc. all have one thing in
common. Each is a way to find temporary
comfort from something outside of ourselves in order to feel better for the
moment. Yet in my heart I know that shortcuts cannot last, set me free, or
bring me lasting joy. They cannot bring me closer to God, heal my pain, or fill
up the emptiness in my soul that cries out for unconditional love and eternal
peace. In Al-Anon we discover that
the things of this world are very temporary, and real recovery, joy, and
serenity are not based on temporary things. We come to realize that safety
and our sense of significance only come through an internal, spiritual awakening
as a result of the 12 Steps, and a patient commitment to “Keep Coming Back”.
Two lessons that I learned from my alcoholic stepfather were
that whatever bad things happened were my fault, and whatever
opinion I dared to express was automatically “wrong”. Since my
non-alcoholic mother never contradicted this point of view, I believed that
these lies were true and that I was a “dummy” and “would never amount to
anything.” Like many adult children, I came to believe that I was a complete
failure, ‘wrong’ by default, and less than human. I was ashamed to be me.
Adult children tend to think in terms of black and white – so in order to
overcome those old beliefs I tried desperately to become more than human, I perfected some new coping methods -
Denial, Blame, Perfectionism, and Control. I subtly (and often not-so-subtly)
attempted to control everything imaginable, and became relentlessly
self-critical of myself and anything that I attempted. With perfect adult child
thinking I ‘reasoned’ that if 95% of the things that I feared never
happened, then worrying and control were 95% effective, and that I should worry
and work harder on those last 5%. By the Spring of 1985 I had collapsed into Al-Anon Adult
Children. The 12 Steps made sense in a way, but I was convinced that they missed
the steps where people begged forgiveness and made amends to me. With
this kind of thinking going on, Step 1 was a problem. I firmly believed that my safety and significance depended completely
upon protecting myself and controlling all of the people, places, and things
that were a part of my life. Deep in my heart, though, I knew that my life was
unmanageable, so I did Step 1, sort of. I did everything except to genuinely Surrender. To admit that that I had lost control
would acknowledge the fear of once again being vulnerable to the neglect and
mistreatment of others. I was in pain, but I was not yet broken enough to admit
that I needed help. In those meetings, one day at a time, one hug at a time, I
began to learn some lessons. ·
Control is
exhausting and keeps me from experiencing my own joy and creativity. ·
Control puts me
in conflict with other people, for other people are seen as problems who need to
be manipulated or intimidated. Control separates me from the people that I love. ·
Control only
gives an illusion of safety and significance, for they are internal strengths
and not a result of external power. ·
Control leads to
frustration and anxiety. As a result I become fault-finding and critical. ·
Surrender means
I accept the reality of how things are, instead of believing in a fantasy. ·
Surrender opens
me to God’s love, presence and blessings. ·
Surrender leads
to my own humility and allows the power of God to work in my life, – Someone
infinitely more capable than I is on the job. For adult children, to really surrender themselves in Step 1 and to the Al-Anon program first requires progress on the “Don’t Talk; Don’t Trust; Don’t Feel” issues. Real Surrender requires deep trust on both an intellectual and feeling basis. Surrender requires that I experience a God who is loving, gentle, patient, kind, faithful, generous, and joyful, and who expresses His love for me through grace-filled human beings. For adult children, this experience comes only with time in a group that offers a consistently safe place, and welcomes us regardless of our place in the alcoholic family. In such groups, an adult child can gradually become ready to open his/her heart to the healing journey of Al-Anon. Step 1 opens the door to the transformation of our losses into the spirit-filled life God wants for us. The more I can surrender and admit my weakness, the more God can do in me. [Return to top of list of articles]
Isn’t
Gratitude at the end of the
recovery process, after my prayers have been answered and my ‘goodie basket’
is full? Gratitude is the feeling I have when God is using His power and will to
adjust the circumstances of my life to fit my plan, right? Aren’t Forgiveness
and Gratitude the final steps before Al-Anon Graduation?
As I grew
up in an alcoholic home, the pervasive moods were those of shame and fear. We
lived in terror of the alcoholic, and our religion taught us to be even more
afraid of God. Who was there to be grateful to, and what was there to be grateful for? For many
adult children, saying “Thank You” was only a dutiful response to whatever
crumbs came our way, not a true appreciation to the giver for their gift. I
assure you that the thought of thanking God for my life of insanity never
crossed my mind. Adult
children usually don’t feel that we have any choices in life, and that
we are merely puppets dangled and twisted by people who should know better. But,
in Al-Anon Adult Children, I saw people that were learning to make their own
choices. They were choosing to risk seeing the world in a way that as children,
they had never dared to think possible. A strange thought entered my head, “What if, instead of being a perpetual, choice-less victim/martyr, I
could actually choose to be grateful?” This
began my process of being freed from my self-reliance, ego, and fear. Through
the loving, generous people in my groups, I began to experience life as a
special gift, and to see those gifts in the people and everyday moments of life.
As I learned to see those
gifts, I began to experience God in a new way. Instead of a God of anger,
punishment and fear, I began to see each gift as an expression of God’s love.
Now, I believe that Gratitude is an act of humility, for it reminds me of who
God is and who I am in His sight. Without Gratitude, how could I ever recognize
my dependence on God or the extent of His protection and love? I see too that
Gratitude itself is a God-given gift, the one that allows me to appreciate all
of His other blessings. Not all
gifts look like gifts, and some things that look like wonderful gifts are not.
Just ask any fish that is mounted on a wall plaque. Losses and traumas hardly
appear like doors to Recovery. How are we supposed to be grateful for all of
those years of abuse, terror, and insanity? Maybe we never will. Deep gratitude
for pain is a gradual process, but I can still be grateful today for the
seemingly small positive things that I can see today if I will but open my heart and eyes to see them. Perhaps that includes
gratitude for the good qualities of imperfect and flawed people. Since
that includes everyone on the planet, I can let my awareness grow into
compassion and a softer heart. With the support of my Al-Anon family, I can
gradually become grateful that the traumas of life and the shortcomings and
flaws of others have been the means by which I came into my own recovery and
spiritual awakening. Just as
mature lovers know that they can choose to be loving even when they
don’t particularly feel loving, I
can choose to try to be grateful even when I don’t feel
grateful. By doing that, I am finding that many of the things and people that I
wanted most throughout my life were those
that I had all along and never saw. Perhaps what I can pray for today is
that God will gradually reveal to me all that I have to be grateful for. As I
express my appreciation for the people, things, and events that I see today, I
open myself to a renewed sense of closeness to God and genuine intimacy with
others.
“You should be ashamed of
yourself”. Does
that sound familiar? For many adult children that ‘family value’ might as
well be tattooed on the inside of their eyelids. Whether it was our religious
training, our experiences in our alcoholic families, or an internal message
haunting us for our adult decisions, thoughts, and actions, we learned to be
ashamed of who we were. I experience Shame and its cousin Guilt like this: 1)
There is an innate “Conscience” type of shame that warns me in
advance about a bad choice that I am considering, and reminds me that such a
choice would not be good for me. It does not condemn me for what I feel or
think, but it lets me know by a suspicion in my head that says, “I hope nobody
finds out about this.” The problem for adult children is that the distorted
values and deceptions that filled our lives as children and teens have so badly
damaged our God-given moral compass/conscience that as adults we cannot trust it
for guidance. How can I know what to trust? 2)
There is the
poisonous, “Black Hole” kind of shame that tells me that I am worthless and
hopeless. It is a condemning kind of message that tries to convince me that my
past mistakes permanently separate me from God, and that I am not
deserving of love. It tries to tell me that there is no good in me, and that
only my perfection will ever earn me a little love. 3)
Guilt is what I carry
for things that I have done or thought, even though I knew they were wrong, but
I did them anyway. I can use this to grow by changing my attitudes, thoughts and
behaviors, or I can use it to condemn myself with more ‘black hole’ shame.
Why do I still make poor choices? When the parents in an
alcoholic home try to minimize, or do not acknowledge how the disease and their
own bad decisions have damaged their children, they fail to take on
responsibility for authentic, “Conscience” shame and Guilt. Instead, their
children are filled with the “Black Hole” shame that gnaws at our souls
throughout our lives. Filled with that poisonous shame and equipped with a moral
compass with no pointer, children in an alcoholic family have little chance for
sanity of their own. “Black Hole” Shame tries to deny the existence of its
exact opposite and powerful antidote, Grace. Shame is a heavy burden; Grace is
light. Shame depresses and kills; Grace lifts and resurrects. For adults who did
not experience Grace as children, healing comes in the form of the kind of
‘family’ that brings Grace to its members.
The central struggle of my recovery has been to reveal and carefully
examine the ‘family values’ of my alcoholic family and to discard those
values that are flawed. In Al-Anon I learn to replace them with values based on
congruency between words and actions, the principles of the 12 steps and
traditions, and the guidance and wisdom of a Grace-giving Higher Power who loves
and cherishes me with consistency and without condemnation.
“Came
to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” As a child I had been taught that God loved me, and that He
showed me love by means of punishment for my shortcomings. The God of my
childhood and teen years was a SMITER, and he loved smiting people. “God is
Love.”; SMITE, SMITE, SMITE. The
internal message was that God would only love me if I were perfect, but that I
was such a worthless piece of **** that for me, even goodness (let alone
perfection) was impossible. God was not a source of safety and protection; God
was to be FEARED and run from. “I love you; run for your life.”
It was tough to talk to or trust that God, or to have any good feelings
about Him/Her. Strangely enough, my alcoholic stepfather conveyed the same set
of messages. For an
adult child, the problem of being returned to sanity is that we have no concept
of what that is. Sanity is a scary place, because we have no experience of it,
and the idea of going someplace so different seems like a good reason to not go
there. The prospect of being taken to a place that we cannot imagine by a great
Power that we fear is not very inviting to an adult child. It seems better to
stick was the insanity that we know rather than risk the sanity that we don’t
know. My picture of insanity is one of a thousand circus clowns having a whipped
cream pie fight in my head. However, most people agree with the concept that
insanity is doing something over and over again but expecting different results.
The apostle Paul expressed his own humanity and ‘insanity’ when he wrote in
Romans 7, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate, I do.” Been there; done that; still doing it. In the
mid 1980’s I had a first-hand, up-close-and-personal experience in a mental
health hospital for a week. “Nothing is wrong with me;” I insisted, (perfectly
normal), “I want to die.”. Afterwards, I heard about adult children of
alcoholics. That sounded good to me, because now I had someone to blame. I was
convinced that “they” were all terribly troubled and I was the only sane one
in the family. That year for Christmas I gave everyone in my family a stack of
Al-Anon books so that they could get well. They were neither grateful nor
amused. After
going to several Al-Anon Adult Children meetings a week for awhile, I began to
experience love based on M. Scott Peck’s definition of love, "the
willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and
another's spiritual growth." If Love was like this and God was supposed to be the perfect
example of Love, then maybe this Higher Power God was safe and secure after all.
Through the example of one lady in particular, I began to challenge my idea of a
fear-based God and became open to the idea that most of what I had believed
about God was not only wrong, but harmful to me. I had been trying to work a
spiritual program with an image of a Higher Power who had all of the
characteristics of my stepfather. No wonder Step 2 hadn’t made any sense. How
could an insane Higher Power restore me to sanity? The Higher Power that I found
at Al-Anon consistently reached out to me with acceptance, unconditional love,
and unending Grace. This God of my understanding had been there all along, but
His message of love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness had been distorted by
shame-filled clergymen and the insanity of alcoholism. In time, I came to
believe that God had not given me a spirit of fear, but one of hope, and joy.
He has had good plans for me all along, to give me a future and a hope. If that
is what sanity looked like, I was ready to give it a try, and trust that
whatever lay ahead that I would not be alone. I would be traveling with other
people who understood, and that we were all in the hands of a Higher Power who
we could trust to lead us.
One
of the best things I did during early recovery was to sit down with each of my
parents individually and ask them about their childhoods and what they knew
about other members of the family tree. What I discovered was many generations
of religious dysfunction, addiction, abuse, and shame-based thinking. Looking
back now I see generations of wounded people looking for the same things I long
for today – safety and significance. In
a family of wounded people, there isn’t a lot of affirmation to be given, even
by adults. Everyone is so desperate to be filled up themselves, and there is
nothing inside to give. A primary rule
in my family tree was that no-one should ever say anything encouraging or
affirming to anyone else, especially children. It was believed that to do so
would certainly result in children that were proud and conceited. What
resulted instead were generations of children that grew up anxious and
depressed, hungry for love, fearing for our safety, and desperate for any crumb
that felt like we mattered. In
Al-Anon I was opened to a new definition of Significance. Instead of being
“significant” because people, or careers, or a ‘significant other’
filled my need for love from the outside, Significance became about my desire
for a life that has meaning and purpose. This kind of significance feeds the
soul, it comes from knowing what my Higher Power envisions for me and my
willingness to listen and act in accordance with His will for me. That process
begins with Step 3. I also must acknowledge that Meaning
and Purpose start with where I am, not where I think that I should be.
My true calling, my ‘Spiritual Purpose’ if you like, is intimately and
irrevocably connected to my greatest wounds. The greater my wounds, the more I am able to touch the hearts of others
who have been wounded. Those things that trouble and hurt the most are where my
passions are, and where I have the greatest ability to make a difference in the
world. Who can help Al-Anon’s or AA’s better than other Al-Anons or AA’s? I am convinced that Adult
Children have been given many Spiritual Gifts to use. We have a great sense of
Humanity and the ability to be Empathetic, Kind and Merciful. We have an
enormous capacity and yearning for Justice, Integrity, and Congruency.
We are filled with an appreciation of Beauty and the ability to Hope. We
are capable of Courage and Perseverance. We can grow in Knowledge and Wisdom. I believe that I have been
given these Spiritual Gifts in order to fulfill God’s purpose for my life, and
in doing so, reveal the inner
significance that I have had all along. Am I willing to use those
incredible gifts, to find that God-given purpose and act on it, or am I content
to just drift through life like the hole in a doughnut, waiting for someone
outside of myself to fill me up? I only experience true significance when I know
intellectually and can feel in my soul how I am seen by a loving Higher Power,
and use the Spiritual Gifts that I have been given for a Purpose that is far
bigger than myself.
At
a meeting, how often do we hear something like, “I love change; I can hardly
wait for some new upheaval in my life?” Unless the anticipated change is
about someone else’s behavior, probably not
too often. But the world continues to change at a pace that begs for sanity and
serenity. By the time I learn how to use the latest electronic gadget that will
‘improve’ my life, it has broken or become obsolete and incompatible with
the newest version of what I just learned how to use. I yearn for simplicity and
reliability. We
hope that our homes will be places of refuge and stability in a world that seems
less and less sane. Instead, our homes often seem like the epicenter of the
earthquake. For the adult child, the relentless shaking and upheaval is all we
know, and it never seems to end. We dream that this change will bring something
better, but the reality is that in a home with alcoholism, the progressive
nature of the disease ensures that changes in the future will almost certainly
only make things worse. Serenity doesn’t seem to have a prayer. When
in Al-Anon I first heard to ask for “Courage to change the things I can”, I
looked around me for things to change
that would make my life more like the way I wanted it to be. I believed that as
the ‘designated victim’ I certainly didn’t need even modest improvement,
let alone genuine change. It was easy for me to just pretend to make even
essential changes. After all, ‘pretending’ is just another word for the
denial of reality, and I was a master of that. In
spite of my pride and stubbornness, my Higher Power kept leading me to evidence
that Change was not only inevitable, but a necessary part of His plan for my
recovery. I learned that lobsters must go through the difficult and vulnerable
process of shedding their old shells so that new, larger shells would form and
allow them to grow. I learned that plants must constantly expand their root
systems to support the growth of their stems, leaves and flowers above ground.
Eventually, I realized that in a world of change, I too must either grow or die.
In
Al-Anon Adult Children meetings, I learned how the alcoholic family priorities
and convoluted reality of my childhood and teen years had left me with a set of
core values and beliefs that as an adult, were leading me to my own insanity and
destruction. The “Courage to Change” meant
that I had to discover and then challenge every one of the rules by which I had
lived my life for 40 years. Each time I discovered one of those old ‘family
values’, I had to measure it against what I was learning in Al-Anon, and ask
myself , “How has this belief been working so far?”, and “How is this
connected to the screwed up situation I am in this time?” This has not been a
quick or easy process, and as I mature I constantly discover some of those old
beliefs that still get in the way of Serenity. Although Change is inevitable,
growth is optional, and that is why I keep coming back. The
Al-Anon publication “Did You Grow Up with a Problem Drinker?” lists 20
different ‘yellow flags’ that are common to adult children. They generally
fall into several broad groups, and together with the “don’t talk; don’t
trust; don’t feel” messages, give us a good overall picture of adult child
thinking and behavior patterns. When I first began in Al-Anon, my unconscious
goals were to fix these items, get my Al-Anon diploma (or whatever it was that
they gave out when we ‘passed’), and go home with some sweet young thing
that I could rescue (not necessarily in that order). This, however, was not
working out so well………. About
the time that I decided that I should order my Al-Anon cap and gown, WSO
published a new book called “From Survival to Recovery”. On pages 142-143
were another
list of characteristics that I and other adult children supposedly were prone to
have. I can not
begin to tell you how P.O.’d I was! On one hand it felt good, as
though someone actually understood, but on the other hand it felt just like
being a kid again……..where nothing that I accomplished was ever good enough,
and the list of my faults kept getting longer. Many
of the characteristics of adult children identified in these two sources are
issues involving my self-worth and ways that
I try to find it. This is a deeply-rooted core issue for adult children. In my
family I learned by observation that the alcoholic always came first, and that
the family revolved around his whims and self-preoccupation. I learned that the
purpose of my life was to do all of the things that my alcoholic stepfather was
unable to do, clean up his assorted messes, and be the silent recipient of all
of his abusive talk and actions. I was expected to have no needs of my own, no
opinions, no value other than as a “gopher” and a whipping boy for all of
his anger. Is
it any wonder that adult children cannot see the value of our own
accomplishments, or that we so desperately crave external validation of our
value as human beings? Is it any wonder that we see ourselves through the eyes
of scorn and disrespect, and talk to ourselves with words of condemnation and
criticism? Is it any wonder that I looked to rescue and take care of others
without concern for my own mental health? Is it any wonder that I can seldom
express what I need, or that I have trouble saying “no” to situations that
are not good for me? Somewhere in Al-Anon Adult Children I had three divinely inspired insights. The first was that I had not been seeing myself the way that God saw me, and that He was a different kind of Higher Power than I had previously believed. Secondly, I realized that I had been defining myself and treating myself based upon the words and actions of a man who was an alcoholic and who inwardly deeply loathed himself. I was trusting the opinions of someone who could not be trusted, and living my life from inside his head. Third, I was continuing to look for love and affirmation from people who were so wounded themselves that they rarely had the capacity to give anything positive to anyone else.
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